Women’s Forum Listening Day
Holy Cross College, Clonliffe
13 November 2004

Introduction:

This listening day was a response to a request by Archbishop Diarmuid Martin to the Women’s Forum to examine the issue of violence in society with a view to putting together a set of guidelines for parishes as they confront this growing problem.  The large attendance included representatives of the Garda Síochána, local community groups as well as members of the Women’s Forum.
The day was facilitated by Maureen Treanor who said the opening prayer.
 The morning session opened with a résumé of a Women’s Forum survey of key people in their parishes to ascertain how the problem is perceived on the ground.  The keynote address on violence was given by the clinical psychologist, Marie Murray.  This was followed by a shorter talk by Fran Willix, a social worker from the Daughters of Charity family centre in Darndale and by Steven Rowan of the Rutland Centre for addiction.
In the second session the attendance broke into seven working groups and were asked to come up with two recommendations for dealing with violent behaviour at parish level.
 
Women’s Forum Survey.                                    See Appendices
A questionnaire was circulated to key people (teachers, gardaí, community workers etc) in 13 parishes where the W.F. have representatives and 70 replies were received.
1. The majority reported an increase in violent behaviour against people and property.
2. Young people were overwhelmingly cited as being responsible for this violence.
3. There was a long list of the causes of violence but those most frequently cited were
(a) Drink and drugs
(b) Lack of parental guidance and control
(c) Lack of discipline and control over feelings (anger, jealousy etc.)
4. In dealing with violence there was a positive response from schools where there was a policy to deal with aggression and bullying. Other responses were to support victims and provide venues for youth activities and sport.  The community Garda too has been successful and some very good work is being done by the Society of St Vincent de Paul.
5. The main recommendation for parish level was the provision of interesting activities and amenities for young people with a youth worker employed. Other recommendations to emerge from the questionnaires are listed in the Appendices.
Keynote Address
Marie Murray began her address with a quote from President Mary McAleese – “What’s engraved in stone can’t easily be changed.  What’s engraved in childhood is engraved in stone” In discussing the causes of violence she made the following points.
Violence is learned.
Children see violence in the home.
Children are allowed to be cruel to animals and nobody tries to stop them.
We must look at the home.
Inability to self – control
Alcoholism
Access to pornography (this is violence to men as well as to women).
Can we make sure “adult” material isn’t at child level in supermarkets and shops.
She believes that the 3 key causes of violence are
(a) not enough
(b) too much
(c) wrong things
Children and all of us are desensitized.  Nothing is shocking anymore.
Solutions to violence
1. We need to give children back their childhood. Leave them free to make their own world where they can explore and learn. Give them inspirational reading-maybe even the lives of the saints.
2. We need to look at the law.
     Programmes for anger management
     Protect against violent input
Study and research
Find out from young people what they want.
Ban on smacking in the home.
Remove the concept that some violence is worse than others.  Violence in the home is a better term that ‘domestic’ violence. Whether located in public or in the home, all violence is wrong.
Be kind and gentle.
3. Bad labels to be dropped. There are no bad kids.  She suggests a mandatory court referral to counselling for every callout where children are concerned.
4. Messages are part of the violence.
To witness violence, even in the next room is to be violated.
We do not do enough.
Need to support mothers who are stressed.
Marriage break-up and multiple fathers are very difficult for adolescents to cope with.
“How does anything mean anything if it is only for a little while?”
Violence in the Home
Fran Willix described her work with families in difficulty. Many of the children are referred to the centre by the schools but very quickly the child’s “problem” is found to derive from the child’s home.  There is a need to see that there are no bad children.
A working group researching the area of family violence in 2002 found that the types of violence experienced in families include:
Mental abuse
False allegations
Sleep deprivation
Men can be victims as well as women, though they do not come to the centre so frequently.
Children grow up too quickly. Problems arise resulting from changing partners e.g. 5 children and 3 different fathers. A lot of children are being reared by grand-parents, aunts and uncles.  Children do not have a role within the family.  People are educated for their chosen profession/trade but not for parenting.
The past year has seen 56 referrals of which 70% included some type of violence. When a child is referred to the centre, both parents are invited to become involved in the process.  Absent fathers are contacted to give their permission for their child to attend the centre. Some violence can occur when the man living in the house abuses the child who is not his own.
The centre is designed to be safe and welcoming. The process is about unravelling, not blaming.  Joint effort between centre and client: let’s work on this together! Client safety is paramount.  Working with a couple where one is violent may not be successful because of opportunities for intimidation.  Often one partner is handed over to a different agency.
Methods used include work with clay, puppets, dressing up, doll’s house, baby photos, writing family stories about children and adults. Theory is letting go of old values.
Spending and wealth make a big contribution.  There is a particular connection between violence by adolescents against their parents, particularly mothers, and instant gratification. 90% of violence happens in the home.  The disadvantaged in society cannot cover up but the middle classes can.
Addiction
The Rutland Centre, founded by the Passionist Fathers in 1978, offers a six week course, family support and after care for people with addiction problems, whether alcohol, drugs, gambling ,overspending, eating disorders. Person comes when they say to themselves:’ I need to change; I can’t go on like this’.  This is called the Gift of Desperation.  The programme may not work if person is sent by family or employer.
70% of the clients admitted to the Rutland Centre have problems related to alcohol. Many will admit the violence done to others but do not admit the violence to the self when too much drink is taken. People who drink too much have a hole in the soul.  They are alienated from the self, have no sense of purpose or meaning in their lives. They suffer feelings of shame, fear, loss, disappointment, resentment, despair, poverty.  They drink to disinhibit these feelings. Disinhibition very often leads to violence.
Alcoholism is a treatable condition and family involvement in the treatment of the individual is of the utmost importance.  A lot get better, a day at a time for the rest of their lives.  Some do not.  Some slip now and then.
Drug dependency is the greatest social problem. But those suffering addiction must seek help themselves.  They have to want to get better.  Heroin is a major problem in Dublin and also cannabis, the danger of which is under-rated.
25% of in-patients in hospital in Ireland suffer from substance abuse related conditions.
Internet gambling is, at present, the fastest growing problem in society.  There are 8 gambling casinos in Dublin open from 6pm. to 8am. Gambling involves lies, cheating, overspending, credit card debt, non-payment of debts, and highest rate of suicide.  Very few seek help until they are, at least, one year’s salary in debt or more.
Compulsive spending via credit cards etc-people get sucked into adverse situations.
Addiction stems from despair, boredom, deprivation, alienation, dysfunctional families.
Philosophy of Rutland Centre
God doesn’t make junk
Baddies are like an ugly duckling that has a beautiful swan inside.
Looking for the person to make a spiritual transformation.
Need to become a new person as the person I was will drink again
Addiction is not curable but it is manageable one day at a time.
The centre runs an after-care service which is a very important part of the treatment.
Working Groups
Having listened to the morning’s speakers the 7 working groups were asked to come up with 2 proposals on how the parish could deal with the problem of violent behaviour.
The suggestions fall into the following main categories:
1. Proposals around parents and parenting (8)
2. The need for a parish resource centre
3. Need for local discussion about violent behaviour.
4. Need for community recreation activities open to all to encourage community solidarity (3)
5. Need for prayer and greater involvement in liturgy for families (3)
6. Need to feedback the findings of the W.F. listening day to parishes.
7. Education re alcohol abuse/consumption
8. Consult with teens what they would like to take part in. A pilot scheme for 6th class.
1. Parents and Parenting
The need for a group/s to support parents in the parish was emphasized. As parenting courses can be expensive, this could be done through mother and toddler groups, mentoring, preparation for parenting with young pregnant mothers, valuing parents and parenting by engaging with the wisdom of the older generation. Funding to be sought from the government, Health Board and parish.
2. Parish Resource Centre
There are many models of parish resource centres. The most comprehensive is the Neilstown/Rowlagh project which operates from 9.30am. to 11.00pm.in the Neilstown Parish Community Centre.  There is a staff of 17 plus support from C.E. scheme and it has been in operation for about 20 years. It emphasizes support for victims rather than focusing on perpetrators. Weaker families and individuals are often afraid to use official sources for fear of making things worse for themselves. Gardaí are involved in making the centre work.
Drink related offences are on the increase.
Services offered include-
Morning drop-in support for those out of home.
Homework/after school support
Clubs
Support groups (support workers accompany individuals on every step of procedures when needing barring orders etc)
It is noted that programmes do not stop violence.
Another model has arisen in the Kilcoole/Kilquade area where a retired teacher (a trained counsellor) started a prayer group with young people including some drug addicts, these have since given up drugs and are now working with other young people who have drink and drug problems in the area.  The group is expanding and plans are afoot to create other similar groups.
3. Discussion on Violence
This calls for a parish based open inclusive gathering (no matter how small) to discuss the local problem of violence in whatever form.  The discussion would be progressed through talks from professional people, newsletter, family Mass with a view to establishing a local support group and giving priority to youth.
4. Community Recreation
The organisation of recreational activities, family outings to theatres/parks, community games, welcoming and involving all parishioners is suggested as means of engaging with neighbours and thus strengthening bonds of friendship and caring for each other in parishes.
5. Prayer
The need for prayer and a spiritual dimension to parish activities was underlined.  Better instruction in the faith, particularly for post confirmation young people. Sunday school for young children. Parents and children to be involved in liturgy e.g. the family Mass.

6. Feedback from W.F. Listening Day
Many felt that the proceedings of the day should be available to all parishes. This has/is being done depending on parish information resources. The W.F. website will carry a full report.
7. Education re Alcohol
This as an obvious recommendation in the light of the fact that 3 out of 5 young people aged 15-17 years drink alcohol* and would consume up to 8 drinks “on a good night”. The cult of binge drinking needs to be confronted. A further discussion of the desirability of the Confirmation pledge and the promotion of membership of the Pioneer Total Abstinence Association might be initiated. Advertising glamorises drink and many young people nowadays have a lot of money to spend.
8. Ask Teens what they want.
The need to provide facilities for activities that interest young people is very important. The idea of running a pilot scheme for 6th class is good because, if well organised, many will continue to engage with it as they move on to second level.
The Listening Day concluded with a prayer after Fr Lorcan O’Brien, representing Archbishop Martin reminded us that there was much we could do, even with what was engraved in stone in early childhood.  We need to shed helplessness and hopelessness. Don’t ignore, deplore or restore the past.  Instead we Christians can explore what we can do in our own sphere of influence, no matter how small, be it parish, community or area. And let’s get on with it!
 
* Irish Times/T NS MRBI Youth Poll 2003